Overwhelmed by Anemoia; I waste away

I can't think of any other way to begin this post but to shake my head and indulge in a little self-loathing. I fucking hate myself sometimes. I can be an all around genuine good guy. I can be a prick occasionally if pushed to much. But in some cases, apparently I can be a confused and mentally deficient jack ass.

I was talking with my sister about a recent chain of events where my new medication for depression had been provided at the wrong dosage. This dosage was startlingly high, and caused me some problems. Confusion, irritability, and memory loss were among the side effects. And unfortunately, I reacted to this medication in so many not good ways. Confusion and agitation caused me to get upset over things normal human beings don't upset over. Silly things, like only one scoop of ice cream in the bucket, the crickets were annoying, etc. And of course my confusion lead to confrontations with people who found themselves arguing with an idiot whose side of the text conversation resembles either a drunken college kid on spring break texting his crush, or a sneaky little toddler who managed to press the correct combination of buttons to unlock your cell phone, open, address and send garbled space alien language to everyone.



But I digress, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was none the wiser that I was making a jack ass of myself for quite a while. Before I looked down from the tv at my phone, wrinkled my nose in interest of what I was seeing. "You're a fucking asshole!" was the overall consensus of replies that came in from several different numbers. A couple of which I did not know./ Seriously!! What the ever loving fuck are these meds made of?!?! Cause I don't dig meds that make me do things I am not in control of. I am a person who does tend to prefer control over things. Like my own actions for instance.

To make the story short, my med dosage was waay to high, I am allergic to something in it and when I combine the new med with my pain meds for my chest.... Severe, possibly life threatening side effects can occur.... 

Aside from damn near every possible severe side effect, I was blessed with a bout of syncope while  I was climbing a ladder and putting away totes in the rafters above the shed. In the blink of an eye (literally) I awoke to find myself lying crumpled on the hard wooden floor. A stiff neck, aching back, and a knot on my head the size of a tennis ball. I had passed out and fell off the ladder, unconscious for over 40 minutes. Or sleeping, who knows. I have had a constant battle with insomnia for weeks now. Ended up as only a minor concussion, bruised jaw, pulled lower back and a couple nasty splinters from the old barn floorboards. 

Meh, not a big deal. Plenty of fluids for all the lost water from lying in a sweltering shed for almost an hour sweating like a pig living next to a bacon factory, Ice for the bump on my head, ibuprofen for pain and swelling, and the advice of being more careful next time. Buut... this was no ordinary spell of syncope (I tend to have these episodes every now and then.) This was a bad reaction to my new meds. 

Well, I do what they say, finish proving I am not brain damaged and get my shirt on as the doc tells me to "keep an eye out for.. elevator masturbation.. the Rumpelstiltskin?.. reindeers a cruisin, polygamy horse?..." It'll be on the sheet they give me up front. I just wanted to get back to the house and kick the ac down to 65. Time for ice to dull the pain!

Turns out those words were fairly important words. Because he had actually said "Keep an eye out for elevated agitation, double vision, & severe confusion, memory loss." 

Today, I came to a realization when my sister pointed out that I was drying air and folding wet clothes. There is something wrong with my head.

And no, I don't mean something I deal with normally, I mean I have been seriously confused over the last week. Confused to the point of continuously repeating tasks. For instance, instead of cleaning my camper, I simply moved piles of sorted items back and forth from the bunk to the main bed, to the sink, only to find them in the cupboard 10 minutes later. I was going to do the dishes, but instead, organized the dirty dishes in the sink, and put them away. I went out to my Jeep, unloaded everything I had previously loaded, and then brought it into the camper and put it all away! Just now, I typed that last three sentences two fing times... I am doubling even tripling my workload! Its like I hired my high school self!!

More importantly however, while going over the past week in my head, coming up with more and more little stupid things I kept doing, it dawned on me that I had been tormenting people with repeated texts asking about events and dates that had already passed, repeatedly asking the same question like a parrot, discussing issues best left for a time when I wasn't on the verge of being hauled away to Big John's Psychiatric Asylum for the Annoyingly Insane.

Sweat rolling down my skin, my hands trembling, I began looking back over the week's texts. And to my absolute horror, I saw, I had indeed been continually messaging people with no prior memory of having sent damn near the same message the previous day, a couple hours prior, even as soon as 15 minutes later.

So, I am staying hidden in my camper tonight. Turning off my phone, and considering becoming a Buddhist monk, a ninja, or a super villain. They all sounded like they had really good benefits... I'm leaning toward super villain.  I just have to remember where I put that guys card....