Wanna Hear a Funny Story?

This is a particularly revealing yet abridged post... I have no doubt many will hate me after reading this. But hey guess what?! I don't really give a fuck. No, its true. I am at a point in my life where I have used up all my give-a-fucks and they are on backorder.

Please understand before you read any further. This is an introspective post. I am simply saying how I feel and think right now. About myself and my life. Just my overly exhausted, weary thoughts as I try to make sense of everything that has happened in my life over the last 5-6 months. It is directed at no one but myself. (Okay, maybe I'm a bit snippy about my prior bosses. But that is because I have some bitterness and anger toward them as I was manipulated and tossed away like I never mattered. But I will not discuss any details on that. I am my own judge and jury. Their judgment of me was harsh and swift, but not as harsh as my judgment of myself. And trust me... I judge myself constantly and condemn myself for every single action I take. EVERY SINGLE ACTION...

In a matter of mere months, I managed to go from having obtained life goals (6 figure salary, 2 homes, bills paid, family, comfort, the typical American dream) many would not expect for at least 10 years my senior... to having nothing. And I mean nothing.. All.. fucking.. gone.

I left my job of 5 years during a severe bout with depression, followed by attempted suicide. The pressures of the job, the unanswered calls for an assistant, even if only part time, increasing demand without increasing available manpower and a noticeable decrease in the "perceived value" of how much I actually did around there. All of this combined with the fact that one of the bosses was notorious for leaving sensitive emails open, and once called me over about something, which lead to me seeing that while there was only one of me doing all I was, the 9 of them deserved more. And had been discussing pulling me from bonus pools. 

Well, these things collided with other issues I was dealing with and everything came crashing down. I fell apart drank heavily, and one night during a live stream for my home brewing biz, while touring breweries in Ames, my brewing buddy and I were walking down the street, I handed him the phone, smiled, turned right and leapt into oncoming traffic. A woman walking along with us, was quick enough to grab me by the neck and pull me back.

I returned to Humboldt, only to be told, take the week off, relax get better we will see you next week. Great! I thought, I may actually do that! But that was not to happen. As less than four hours later, I get a mass of emails of things the bosses need done. (My coworkers were doing their own shit, but the bosses used that to their advantage and crushed me with work. And then started blowing up my phone with where is this, where is that, I don't know where I saved my picture, can you find one, my second cousins third niece removed broke her laptop and it has viruses. Can you fix it... for free.. since you make such good money with us... and can you get to it today before 2, cause I have to go hit a bucket of balls... (This is the attitude and behavior I received 7 days a week, for the majority of the duration of my employment... I never took a real vacation, in fact actually working almost 70 hours on one vacation as well as the horse catalog that takes every ounce of strength and mental focus just to barely get done on time. Only to find out I am not working hard enough!??!?!? This is the tip of the shit iceberg that was my daily life.) This crap is the reason for the next paragraph....

However, to no one's knowledge, until right now with this post, I formulated a second suicide plan as I lay in my hospital bed. A 3 tier approach of My entire supply of my antidepressants, pain meds, dissolved into a drink; along with a hose from the exhaust of the jeep to my window, foot on brake on incline into river and top it off with whatever hardcore drug I would have found to rupture my heart. (Difficult, as I don't know where to even look for that. But I knew eventually I could find someone that would know where to get something that would be in a large enough quantity to get the job done. Hell, I lived north of Fort Dodge... Shithole.

I even had my slurry of meds prepared days in advance, having set it on my desk and watched all pills fade away. Hell, one of the other guys even came over and while he was talking to me... He was shaking it up for me! lol Didn't even realize, that he had finally helped me after 2 years of saying I needed help. lol... duh.

I had this planned well. Family thought I was going hunting. All friends thought I was out of town. I was good to go.

Before the date I chose, I was driving around, still trying to figure out who I even knew to help me find the rupture part of my plan, I was calling people and chatting happily. Everyone talking and thinking Im just calling cause Im bored. But they didn't know I was actually very subtly saying my goodbyes. Though in hindsight, it would have been clear as day. I kept imagining the cliche chit chat at my funeral. "I never saw it coming. He seemed so happy. So in control. So.. normal."

But my role as a dad delayed my plans on several occasions, and life kept moving on. Opportunities to end it became few and far between. I mean.. bills needed paid. And the ex was too busy with her "friend" to even notice my struggles. So I focused on the kids. Afterall.. They needed to remember the time leading up to my end as great, happy times. No weakness in front of them. None.

Fast forward, a bit, I am still at the office. But had put in a 2 month notice. The bosses were grateful because I wasn't going to leave them high and dry mid event season. However, immediately after the largest event we did, the bosses essentially canned me when we returned to the office after the event. A whole 4 weeks early..... That was almost 10k in base earnings loss for me. That was something I was counting on, and they did not even bat an eye. Plus, they fucked me out of my share of the bonus pool!!! That was nearly [omitted]!!!! So, my previous bosses managed to save [omitted] fucking thousand dollars. Needless to say... I was screwed. two thirds of what I my plans were based around was no longer part of the equation... Fuuuuuuuck My Life.

At this point, I moved out of the house and into the second house next door. I was totally clueless as to what I was going to do. Eventually, I ended up buying in as a partner for Ducks Customs, with my sister and her boyfriend. I moved to waterloo and started focusing on my creative endeavors. I spent my time creating vinyl decals, learning how to tint, going to car shows, etc. I was placing all my chips on the success of this business venture. I was betting on this opportunity to be my return to affluence and vocational enjoyment.

I gave up the second house to the ex, so she could get it repaired and move in with the kids and then they didn't have to worry about a mortgage and always had a place to call home. I dove head first into building my success. I spent all my time working to prove the ex and her mother wrong. I focused everything I had into showing the kids their dad was not a failure.

Unfortunately.. I never paid attention to how the chips were stacked against me. I didn't see the writing on the wall. I never saw the end of the tracks until I was up against it.

I never saw it coming.. the abrupt and jarring reality I apparently refused to see..

Black 13.. house wins.. player busts.. next player..

I fucking lost.. everything.. fucking, everything..

And now I sit in this camper alone, staring at a computer screen and realizing that I literally gambled everything... and lost. It is beyond my comprehension where to go from here. I am known as a prepper, but this is something I had never planned on. Ever...

And how do I feel about all this? Well, there is an orchestra of emotions swirling in me. Honestly, I feel I am getting what I deserve. My poor choices just to be happy again were irresponsible enough to warrant a total meltdown. I will deal with it and suffer as I should in atonement.

I am upset that my gamble was all for not, but for those months, I had been inspired to step out of myself. It kicked me out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. Become a new me. I was inspired to create, to change, to reach further than I ever thought I was capable. And while I will carry these painful memories of what once was, I am so fortunate that my suicide plan was diverted. I would never have discovered that there was a different person within me. One who has the ambition and drive to succeed and stand up for himself. A person that will not let himself be stepped on or manipulated and controlled.

As insane as this sounds, I am somewhat happy I lost everything. It has brought me back to earth and I am starting over. Whether or not I succeed? Only time will tell. But one thing is for certain. This summer has changed my life.

I live with the thoughts of what I lost, what I tried to obtain, and how far I have fallen, every second of every day. Self loathing is at an all time high, my hatred of myself worse than ever. My point being, don't come at me with any of the bullshit of the snooty high and mighty judgmental commentary. Just don't, Cause I am feeling particularly creative with my sarcasm and viciousness. This is just a post I am using as a way to get things off my chest and continue moving forward. I take full responsibility for my actions and I carry that with me forever. But that is what I have done all my life. Suffer or be pained just cause I did not want to hurt anyone. I would bend to others will because I was too concerned with their feelings. All the while devaluing my own emotions, Allowing many to take advantage of me. My character and happiness ground into the dirt by their boot heel.

Unfriend me if you just cannot stand me or my actions and decisions, I really don't care. Really. I have over 300 people on Facebook and I am pretty sure I could hack that down by two thirds and not even notice. I am only human. You have no clue what I went thru, what mental/emotional issues I deal with in my head each day. I got enough judgement from my prior bosses to fill my cup thank you. If I hadn't done this, I would NOT be alive today. I would be just another Ghost Friend on Facebook.